Clothes are messed up nowadays.
Like seriously.
Our founding fathers decided to have their children make clothes for the purpose OF COVERING UP THEMSELVES AND KEEPING THEM WARM
But what's the stinkin pointy of clothes if they show your TUM TUM, are see through, are cut up, have holes in them, have no back, are so short they show your tooshie, etc.
Like those shirts with holes where the choulders are. My shoulders are HAIRY
NO
ONE
NEEDS
TOO
SEE
THEM.
Or like the clothes that show your TUM TUM. I don't have a belly button but I do have a cookie door. If I open the cookie door all the blood and stuff in my tummy comes out. Little kids might think it is a real cookie and take it and try to eat it. Then everything wil come out of my tummy and I'll need surgery and have to file all sorts of paperwork and it's just like hashtag no
I
NEED
MY
TUMMY
INSIDES
ON
THE
INSIDE
And also. Why do clothes have really wide necks I mean like can't your clothes just slide off like whoops. And v-necks, seriously, again, they go so low that people will see my cookie door.
I
LIKE
MY
NECKS
NORMAL
And don't even get me started on tank tops because the straps are so long you have to weigh at least 700 pounds to fit in them like why must I live in a world of walking angus chunky beefs
I NEED TO GO HOME
TO PLANET WEIRD
WHERE WE ALL WEAR NICE THICK WOOLEN CLOTHES THAT AREN'T SEE THROUGH, HOLEY, RIPPED P, WEIRD NECKED AND BREECHES MADE FROM THE FINEST OF FABRICS THAT DONT SHOW YOUR TOOSHIE
AMERICA IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK?
ORARE YOU TOO CHEAP FOR NORMAL FABRICS.
MARK MY WORDS I WILL NEVER BUY FROM YOUR FRICKYFREAKY FRESH STORES OF INAPROPRONESS
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Frodo The Prince of LockaSocka
Foamin Frodo with a Fro at your service!
I feel obligated to explain to you the greatest days of my life (which happens to be today and the days before)
I, Foamin Frodo with a Fro, is a Prince.
I awoke to the racket of trumpeting and a deafening rasp on my front door. Still groggy, I hobble over and open the door. Their stands a gaggle of armor-clad soliders.
"Good Morrow, Prince Frodo! We have arrived upon your departure to your kingdom LockaSocka," announces one of the soliders.
"Wh'aaat."
"Oh, have you not been informed? You are a Prince, I have come to take you to your home, where you will attend Prince and Princess school."
"Shut up. Are you for jiggglywiggly pudding REAL?"
"Yes, of course. Come on, aboard the carriage!" The Solider motions for him to follow.
"Wait- one question- I mean, i trust you you random strangers and stuff but like, are the princess hot?"
"Totally. Hot like wasabi sauce in the morning roasted on a chicken loaf of ham."
"I AM TOTES THERE BABY! But first- lemme put on my best clothes." So like I went to my room and put on my cowboy boots and my gray polka dot button down with my pinstripe skirt. Like I looked so gorg like i was too gorg for you. i was fabulous.
We then boarded the carriage and the magical pegasi flew me to a kingdom of grandituity. It was huge, at least a thousand times larger than my house made of straw (the three little pigs give good advice fyi). They gave me some really cool clothes- Tight tan pants with a blue fancy coat. They did my Fro all nice. I was the hottest froamie of all time. Lols.
My room was really big. It had a nice giant bath tub (with actual hot water!), a hot coccoa machine, a doll house for my barbies, a walk in closet with lots of clothes I'll never wear, tiara, a canopy bed, a balcony, a study desk, and more.
Plus, I got a GOLDEN foam bucket! WHOO!
Dinner was totes fabulous.
We had white chocolate bread.
And chicken made with REAL meet.
And Jiggly wiggly pudding.
Yumalicious.
I went to bed last night AFTER WE PLAYED JUST DANCE. I sucked.
The next morning, the castle steward, Baileyswift, helped me get dressed and ready for my big day.
"So, what will I learn at my Prince school? How to execute those who dare defy me? How to Kill dragons?"
"No, I am afraid not. You will learn how to pour the perfect cup of tea, ballroom dance, put up with bratty princesses and concieted princes, etc."
"Oh."
I arrived at school in my golden carriage. I thought I would look all swiggity swaggy cubbby style, but turns out, all the other princesses and princes arrive in carriages too.
But whoah. The girls were so purdy. they had big poofy gowns. I walked up to one.
"Hi like whats your name im frodo how do you do can i kiss you suga lips?"
"Ummm-I am Princess Clio of Corinthia. I am like eight so like no."
"WhOa YoU'rE so little! Do you have any poptarts? Animal crackers? Juice Boxes? Crayons? Can I borrow them? What color is your pacifier? Does it taste good? Or does it taste like your saliva? Does your saliva taste good? Mine tastes like a bit of honeydew and freshly mowed grasss...."
"I don't mean to be rude, but what is coming from your mouth? It smells so putrid!" She gasps, ithink she was impressed.
"I take it putrid means delicious. Yes, it does taste marvelous." I grin at her. She screams and runs away.
School's pretty cool. these fat fairies teach me how to coursty and ballroom dance. I got to dance with this babe Amber. Pretty girl. I think she has a nice personality I don't know. I was just focused on how beautiful she was. pRETTTTTY.
Everyone at school seems to look at me with mouths wide open because they're impressed with how beautiful me and my foam is. I know. Im totes fabu.
In fencing I fenced with this prince names james. He kept stabbing me in the belly. I think I'm pretty good at fencing.
At lunch I sat next to this kid Prince Desmond. He seemed really intriegued by my foam. He asked me lots of questions about it. I got kinda scared, so I spit foam in his face. Then I ran an hid in the bathroom. Then I realized it was the Princess Bathroom. This princess named hildegard slapped me when she saw me crying in the sinks. It really hurt. It made me cry some more. Then she threatened to have her stupid pet mink bite me. I whispered, "Pretty."
In art class, I painted with this girl named Vivian. She's really good at paintining. But I knew I could paint better than her. I painted a picture of me and my friend. Wait what am i talking about I ain't got no friends.
Then, school ended. This princess, sofia or something, invited me to her castle. AND OMG HER SISTER IS AMBER THAT PURDY PRINCESS I DANCED WITH. Her brother was Prince James, that guy who's butt I whooped in fencing. Haha. he;s probably pretty embaressed to see me at his house- his competitor who crushed him in the compitition.
Me and Sofia talked for a while. I really started to like her. I think I was in love. I loved her very much. So much that when I when I was supposed to leave, I bowed down to her, holding out the ring pop I was sucking on for at least five years, and asked her to marry me. She was like, "That's very ummm sweet but heck no." And she slammed the door in my face. I ran home crying.
I wept myself to sleep. It was a sad, sad day. I snuggled with my dollie Tai Kwon Joe and gently lathered myself with lemon Lotion. I covered my face with glitter glue. I rubber cemented my eyes shut. When morning came, I refused to eat breakfast until-
Whoah there. Someone hot was at my door. She had long black hair tied back into ponytails. She wore a long pointy witch hat. She had a very pretty dress- not a princess gown- but a dress. She also had a cloak, and carried a stick and a broom. I thought she was a maid.
"Hi what's your name? I am MR. YOURFUTURBOYFRIEND."
She giggled. "My name's Lucinda."
"What a nice name. You look gorg-"
'Thanks, but I'm taken. By Cubby, the pirate." Right then, a really fat little kid walked in, holding a chicken leg.
"Hai, I'm cubby!" he said. Then, he lifted up his shirt, squeezed his tummy, and a raisen flew out, into my mouth.
"I also shoot nightlock, teehee."
"Oh, Lovely," I replied.
"Whas that. cumin from yer mouth? Is it food? i LIKE ME FOOD!!!!"
"Ummm, no," I reply. "It's foam. And unless you want fosmitus, I suggest you don't eat it."
"oH shoot!" he groaned.
Then Lucinda spoak up. "Well, Nice meeting you Frodo- But I've gotta go! Come on Cubby, let's go hex innocent people!" Then, they hopped on her broom, and rode away.
I then had to go to Prince School. I had to have a tea party with this creepy kid jin and his sister Jun.
I was then trampled by this concieted punk named Hugo riding his flying horse. Oh. So masculine. Riding a flying unicorn.
I also studied sorcery and other stuff. It was really fun.
But then: I made my best friend. A troll. In a cave. Named Tinkle. He and his other troll friends asked me to live with them, and they are raising me as their own. It is fabulous. So, like, bai.
I feel obligated to explain to you the greatest days of my life (which happens to be today and the days before)
I, Foamin Frodo with a Fro, is a Prince.
I awoke to the racket of trumpeting and a deafening rasp on my front door. Still groggy, I hobble over and open the door. Their stands a gaggle of armor-clad soliders.
"Good Morrow, Prince Frodo! We have arrived upon your departure to your kingdom LockaSocka," announces one of the soliders.
"Wh'aaat."
"Oh, have you not been informed? You are a Prince, I have come to take you to your home, where you will attend Prince and Princess school."
"Shut up. Are you for jiggglywiggly pudding REAL?"
"Yes, of course. Come on, aboard the carriage!" The Solider motions for him to follow.
"Wait- one question- I mean, i trust you you random strangers and stuff but like, are the princess hot?"
"Totally. Hot like wasabi sauce in the morning roasted on a chicken loaf of ham."
"I AM TOTES THERE BABY! But first- lemme put on my best clothes." So like I went to my room and put on my cowboy boots and my gray polka dot button down with my pinstripe skirt. Like I looked so gorg like i was too gorg for you. i was fabulous.
We then boarded the carriage and the magical pegasi flew me to a kingdom of grandituity. It was huge, at least a thousand times larger than my house made of straw (the three little pigs give good advice fyi). They gave me some really cool clothes- Tight tan pants with a blue fancy coat. They did my Fro all nice. I was the hottest froamie of all time. Lols.
My room was really big. It had a nice giant bath tub (with actual hot water!), a hot coccoa machine, a doll house for my barbies, a walk in closet with lots of clothes I'll never wear, tiara, a canopy bed, a balcony, a study desk, and more.
Plus, I got a GOLDEN foam bucket! WHOO!
Dinner was totes fabulous.
We had white chocolate bread.
And chicken made with REAL meet.
And Jiggly wiggly pudding.
Yumalicious.
I went to bed last night AFTER WE PLAYED JUST DANCE. I sucked.
The next morning, the castle steward, Baileyswift, helped me get dressed and ready for my big day.
"So, what will I learn at my Prince school? How to execute those who dare defy me? How to Kill dragons?"
"No, I am afraid not. You will learn how to pour the perfect cup of tea, ballroom dance, put up with bratty princesses and concieted princes, etc."
"Oh."
I arrived at school in my golden carriage. I thought I would look all swiggity swaggy cubbby style, but turns out, all the other princesses and princes arrive in carriages too.
But whoah. The girls were so purdy. they had big poofy gowns. I walked up to one.
"Hi like whats your name im frodo how do you do can i kiss you suga lips?"
"Ummm-I am Princess Clio of Corinthia. I am like eight so like no."
"WhOa YoU'rE so little! Do you have any poptarts? Animal crackers? Juice Boxes? Crayons? Can I borrow them? What color is your pacifier? Does it taste good? Or does it taste like your saliva? Does your saliva taste good? Mine tastes like a bit of honeydew and freshly mowed grasss...."
"I don't mean to be rude, but what is coming from your mouth? It smells so putrid!" She gasps, ithink she was impressed.
"I take it putrid means delicious. Yes, it does taste marvelous." I grin at her. She screams and runs away.
School's pretty cool. these fat fairies teach me how to coursty and ballroom dance. I got to dance with this babe Amber. Pretty girl. I think she has a nice personality I don't know. I was just focused on how beautiful she was. pRETTTTTY.
Everyone at school seems to look at me with mouths wide open because they're impressed with how beautiful me and my foam is. I know. Im totes fabu.
In fencing I fenced with this prince names james. He kept stabbing me in the belly. I think I'm pretty good at fencing.
At lunch I sat next to this kid Prince Desmond. He seemed really intriegued by my foam. He asked me lots of questions about it. I got kinda scared, so I spit foam in his face. Then I ran an hid in the bathroom. Then I realized it was the Princess Bathroom. This princess named hildegard slapped me when she saw me crying in the sinks. It really hurt. It made me cry some more. Then she threatened to have her stupid pet mink bite me. I whispered, "Pretty."
In art class, I painted with this girl named Vivian. She's really good at paintining. But I knew I could paint better than her. I painted a picture of me and my friend. Wait what am i talking about I ain't got no friends.
Then, school ended. This princess, sofia or something, invited me to her castle. AND OMG HER SISTER IS AMBER THAT PURDY PRINCESS I DANCED WITH. Her brother was Prince James, that guy who's butt I whooped in fencing. Haha. he;s probably pretty embaressed to see me at his house- his competitor who crushed him in the compitition.
Me and Sofia talked for a while. I really started to like her. I think I was in love. I loved her very much. So much that when I when I was supposed to leave, I bowed down to her, holding out the ring pop I was sucking on for at least five years, and asked her to marry me. She was like, "That's very ummm sweet but heck no." And she slammed the door in my face. I ran home crying.
I wept myself to sleep. It was a sad, sad day. I snuggled with my dollie Tai Kwon Joe and gently lathered myself with lemon Lotion. I covered my face with glitter glue. I rubber cemented my eyes shut. When morning came, I refused to eat breakfast until-
Whoah there. Someone hot was at my door. She had long black hair tied back into ponytails. She wore a long pointy witch hat. She had a very pretty dress- not a princess gown- but a dress. She also had a cloak, and carried a stick and a broom. I thought she was a maid.
"Hi what's your name? I am MR. YOURFUTURBOYFRIEND."
She giggled. "My name's Lucinda."
"What a nice name. You look gorg-"
'Thanks, but I'm taken. By Cubby, the pirate." Right then, a really fat little kid walked in, holding a chicken leg.
"Hai, I'm cubby!" he said. Then, he lifted up his shirt, squeezed his tummy, and a raisen flew out, into my mouth.
"I also shoot nightlock, teehee."
"Oh, Lovely," I replied.
"Whas that. cumin from yer mouth? Is it food? i LIKE ME FOOD!!!!"
"Ummm, no," I reply. "It's foam. And unless you want fosmitus, I suggest you don't eat it."
"oH shoot!" he groaned.
Then Lucinda spoak up. "Well, Nice meeting you Frodo- But I've gotta go! Come on Cubby, let's go hex innocent people!" Then, they hopped on her broom, and rode away.
I then had to go to Prince School. I had to have a tea party with this creepy kid jin and his sister Jun.
I was then trampled by this concieted punk named Hugo riding his flying horse. Oh. So masculine. Riding a flying unicorn.
I also studied sorcery and other stuff. It was really fun.
But then: I made my best friend. A troll. In a cave. Named Tinkle. He and his other troll friends asked me to live with them, and they are raising me as their own. It is fabulous. So, like, bai.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Back
I'm tots sorrles for my absence.
I'll tell you what happened. I accidently drank Frodo's foam. he thought is would be funny if he replaced my root beer float with a root beer FOAM. I didn't think so.
For one, it tasted like boogers blended on high for 15 minutes, with some popcorn and clay as well as burnt mud, metal,liquid metal, frozen cow manuor, sautayed lava, friend fingers, etc. It was nassssssty yes precious.
NAAAASSSSSTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
BUT IT ALSO GAVE ME A SLIGHT TEMPORARY CASE OF FOAMITUS
I'll tell you what happened. I accidently drank Frodo's foam. he thought is would be funny if he replaced my root beer float with a root beer FOAM. I didn't think so.
For one, it tasted like boogers blended on high for 15 minutes, with some popcorn and clay as well as burnt mud, metal,liquid metal, frozen cow manuor, sautayed lava, friend fingers, etc. It was nassssssty yes precious.
BUT IT ALSO GAVE ME A SLIGHT TEMPORARY CASE OF FOAMITUS
Yes. It was torture. I foamed all day. 20 gallons a minute. I had to be injected medicine in my toenails to keep me from foaming.
BUT AFTER A MONTH I AM BETTER C:
So. Lesson. Don't drink frodo's foam.
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