I feel them dribbling down my cheeks, rivers warm like Memaw's mollassas, each droplet a bulb, a seed pleading to grow forevermore. It reaches the soil of my dry, parched lips, running through the crevices oh so chapped until it reaches my tongue. By now, the droplets are a mere fermentation of salt, and as I swallow them down they burn worse than alcohal. Each droplet running, overlapping over each other, so valiently embedding itself into my heart. Roots sprawl out, like veins, and beat blood so red as my sorrowful eyes. I reach a tender, softspoken hand still trembling from the sadness to my heart. I hold back a sigh as the woes inside of me blossom into a sapling, a tree, a tree of branches that are knots, making my stomach so dizzy that not even a whole bottle of antacids could keep it at bay. The leaves of this sadness bear down over this world, this life. It feels a twang of embarressment, of pity, but despite it all, it feels warm like a mug of frothy hot cocoa. It feels like the steam on autumn's car door, with little smiles drawn by tender hands into the window-sweat. It feels like dipping toes into the bubbles of a hot tub, drawing away the stress pulsating through one's veins. It feels like a summer day, sprawled on the sand and simpering to the sun. It feels like walks in the woods wearing oversized winter coats and the crinkle of leaves beneath your big, brown boots.
This is what it feels to read over this blog.
And so, with a heavy heart, I am so sorry to reveal to you that Foamin Frodo with a Fro has died, last night on October 7 at 8:12 in the evening.
JUST KIDDING!
Foamin Frodo with a Fro has been fine! A few scientists did some experiments on him to figure out his lifespan, and it turns out, he will live another 189 years! Cool beans.
From these experiments, he became rich. He spent some of his money to help cure Percy Jackson of temporary Foamitus and now he's living it large. He lives in Uzbekistan, but travels around outerspace and the world with his band FoamFlux, where they sing songs such as "I'm Stuck in a Vending Machine, I'm Covered in Rubba Cement, I like Jam and Preserves but not Jelly, I'm Going to Fill Your Bucket with Foam, Quiero comer a tu, etc."
It seems as if Foamin Frodo with a Fro's life is perfect.
Everything is at peace, so maybe it shall be a good time to say goodbye to this blog forevermore. It seems as we've grown apart, our moments shared are fleeting. It feels as if everything we've loved is hopelessly gone. All things must end, and could this be our ending? Who knows! I've changed, Frodo has changed, you have changed. Must we hold onto the stories of our past with such a firm grip?
It feels like everything that has fallen apart has finally fallen into place.
Farewell, Foamites.
For now.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Sunday, November 16, 2014
TIME MACHINE: Prologue
Here's a story of Foamin Frodo with a Fro and me, the narrator's, recent adventure. Every week I will be adding a new installment, so brace yourselves, because this blog is back in business!
The Time Machine:
Frodo and I just recently ventured out on a quest to the Fiji Islands to collect some of their fabulous water.
We travelled there in a large vessel known as the Grandeur of Laureth Sulfate. We docked upon the shores. Frodo and I excited onto the beach. We were clad in leather boots, with thick, rucksack-like garments donned upon our torsos and legs, with a large, frou frou, feathered hat upon our heads. In my hand, I clutched a long, deadly sword, crafted with the finest, strongest iron; it was light, but could maim with the power of an axe.
Many people crowded the sandy terrain, most of them looking frightened; the adults hid their children and held them tight.
"EN GAURD!!!" I bellowed. The people cowered and squealed, "Pirates! Pirates!"
"Oh, stop you're blubbering," Frodo groaned. "We don't mean you any harm, just get off your rumps and show us to that mighty fine Fiji water you guys have."
"Yes, sir," one of the locals bowed nervously. "O-our water is certainly the best tasting-much nicer then it is in bottles, yes, yes."
Foamin Frodo with a Fro and I erupted in a chorus of deep, cruel laughter.
"We won't be drinking it, we'll be exploring it!" Frodo answered.
"EN GUARD!" I shouted.
Then the local, who was a scrawny, middle aged man, lead us to the mighty fine water. We clambered on alongside a small, thin stream, through the depths of the forest. Hot sun dappled through the fissures of the tree branches and around the umbrellas of leaves. It's strong heat never faltered, and caused my to perspire greatly.
"Wish we'd worn better clothes," I whispered to Frodo.
"What are you talking about?" He turned to me, confused.
"That's right, I forgot, you lack not only the ability to eat food, but also the ability to feel and detect temperature change. Fascinating, isn't it, the capacity the human mind has to neglect the interning differences that others hold, for the human mind fears uniqueness and is jealous of it."
"I thought we were being pirates, not sciencey philosophical whatevers."
"My dear Foamin Frodo with a Fro, people are capable of liking lots of different things at once, but those likes fluctuate. So at one point, you can like some things more than others, and then in the blink of an eye, you are thrust deeply into a pool of another like,"I said.
"Nevermind," Frodo said, through a surprisingly large amount of foam.
We eventually reached the pool of Fiji water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The pool of water was crisp and clear, like a diamond refracting rays of glistening light back to it's cult-like overlord, the Sun. The sun would eat up these light balls, where its power would grow more abundant, dangerous, and scorchingly majestic.
It made me want to put sunglasses on, and bang my head against an oven door, knowing how minuscule I was in the whole broad scheme of things. I could never be apart of the important cycle of "give light to the Sun overlord, and it will give you light in return".
Foamin Frodo with a Fro and I jumped into the water, with huge, hideous grins on our face. It was warm like a bath, but at the same time, refreshing like an icy drink. I would plunge into its depths, and press my stomach against the sand. I would swim with my arms against my side, and my legs pushing back, as if I was squeezing through a tube of water that enclosed my flesh. Then, I would turn around on my back, and float, underneath the water. The water was like a veil, a glimpse of the void, a vacuum of emptiness that calmed you down, and made you forget all the worries of the world outside. But when your head resurfaced, and the air outside cooled your face, and the soddenness of your hair dripped onto your flesh, you were reminded of the hurts the prospect of living bestowed upon you. Then, though, you would look down into the water, as if it were a window, and see fish swimming and plants breathing with the current of water, and you were reminded of beauty. Then you would see the trees, the birds, flowers, and all things lovely, and you'd know that despite all pain, beauty remained. I glanced around outside of the pool, and saw this gorgeous world.
However, my eyes laid upon something manmade, something that did not belong in such a place of purity. It was a Fiji truck. There were men, all around it, clothed in large, rubber suits. They held tubes that would suck the water out of the pool and into the trucks. Others stood over the trucks, and poured strange things into the water-weird potions of odd colors.
It would only be a matter of time before they found us.
"Frodo," I cried. "Look!" I pointed towards the lines of trucks. Frodo's exuberant eyes grew wide in fear.
"We have to go," I said as I trudged out of the water.
Out of the water, my raged clothes were drenched. I thought the cool water would help protect me from the mid afternoon sun, but instead, my clothes stuck to me. A wise woman once said something along the lines of "Sticky and wet makes mommy upset, sticky and wet is very icky." That wise woman was Marissa Benson, and she was my spirit animal. In this moment, her words seemed more of a fact to me than things like, "The sky appears blue to the average human eye" or "Most major and popular business are extremely corrupt". In this moment, I was so sticky, disgusting, hot, and miserable that you could tell me the sky was actually green because it's made of green apple Laffy Taffy, or that companies work out of the love of there hearts, and are not driven by money, and I would probably believe you.
I was tramping angrily and dolefully through the jungle when Foamin Frodo with a Fro stopped me.
"Hey, wait up," he said. "We can't be leaving, not yet. We haven't even explored!"
"We can't explore, not now. not when the company Fiji is here!" I sighed. He couldn't know. Not now, not ever. His existence would be endangered.
"Why not? It's just some stupid company. They can't stop us from exploring, because we have every right to this island as they do."
"No, we don't. We came here by force."
"And how do you think they got here?"
"You make a good point, but still, we can't linger," I said.
"Why not?"
"Because I said so. Because Fiji is... is... Corrupt!"I was getting nervous now. He was being too persistent. Foamin Frodo with a Fro could never find out the truth about the Fiji water company.
"That's not a decent reason. When you were teaching me those life classes, and you were telling me about the world, you said that all companies are corrupt. i'm going back. I'm going exploring, no matter what you say."
"Come back here you little chummy.... Don't you understand? They're going to kill you, and then they're going to kill me!!" I yelled.
He walked away, and shook his head. He never turned back.
"You need to listen to me!!" I shouted desperately. I then realized I had to follow. If I let him go off on his own, he would be caught by the Fiji workers. He would find out the truth. But, at a cost. They would capture him and lock him away.
I had to tell him myself, no matter how he treated me because of it.
"Frodo, come back, I need to tell you something!" I ran in the direction he came from.
He then came into my view, and turned around. "What? Promise, you're not gonna stop me, alright?"
"I won't, I swear. Let me tell you the truth about the Fiji water company. When you came on this planet, you weren't the only one. A few weeks after you arrived in this world, other Foamites started coming to earth, ones that didn't have Fros. They were looking for you. They were determined to destroy you because you'd forsaken them. I didn't want you to know, because I knew you'd be afraid, and you were already so scared of earth. So, the government sent them far away, to the Island Poland Springs, where scientists ripped out the hippocampus of their brains (the part for long term memory). But they didn't realize that Foamites have different brains. Where humans store memory, Foamites store feelings. So now, the evil Foamites remembered their mission to destroy you, but no longer understood the feelings that caused them to want this. They no longer have empathy or remorse or sadness or anything. They are indues goons with the purpose to destroy you.
"I asked the government to kill them off, or send them away, but they refused. Poland Spring had now gotten a few free laborers, and they weren't ready to get rid of them Not until, however, Fiji bought them away. Fiji's CEO, Morsel MontGummry, promised to help them in their quest to destroy you, if only they worked hard with them for free. Of course, the Foamites agreed." I finished with a sigh.
Foamin Frodo with a Fro stared glumly at a his feet.
"Are you mad?" I asked.
"Yeah, mad at those Foamites. I hate them because they're so cruel and afraid. They were scared of me for my Fro. And even though I lived there for a long time, and even though this world can be a pretty bad place, I'd still rather call it home. I felt safe here, and I can't believe they took that from me. We have to stop them."
"What do you suppose we do?"
"I dunno. Maybe first we can spy on them?"
I thought that was quite risky, but I couldn't say no. I didn't tell Frodo the truth-which he rightfully deserved- and now I owed him. So, we went to spy on them.
We moved closer towards the Fiji workers. We could hear the sounds of their voices and the sounds of their machinery.
We crouched down behind a bush, where we were about 200 yards away from them.
"Well, now we've got to wait," I said.
"Yep.... So, you know what I've been thinking? You humans and your food, you like it right?"
"Sure, but it's not really the time to be talking about it..."
"Yeah you're right. But anyway. What if you know you're going to eat something really good, and you want to savor it. So you realize, if it's something that you're like never going to eat ever again, do you savor it? Do you realize that if you eat it now, and if you're like 20, and you're going to die at 90, then you would go like 70 years without ever eating it again. So wouldn't it be better to wait and eat it?"
"No, I think it would be better to shut up!"
"Ahh, what an interesting conversation I hear," said a deep voice from behind. "I hear your chatter chatter and it would be better to shh shh, am i RIGHT RIGHT??"Then, the voice laughed.
Soon, a short woman with a slim stature came towards them. She foamed at the mouth, but this foam was a little bit reddish, and I immediately thought of blood.
She then took two clothes from her pockets and tied them around our mouths to stifle our screams before I even had the chance to unsheathe my sword.
--------------
I awoke, what I assume to be, a few hours later, in a truck. I was still woozy and dreary eyed. I looked down upon my hands, and they were tied together. I took a knot tying class, and new of all the really fancy knots, but that didn't matter because whoever tied me up literally used the simplest, stupidest knot. Obviously, I untied it. I then managed to untie Foamin Frodo with a Fro's, who groaned in his sleep. "Wake up, come on," I said. He then moaned, and one eye fluttered open. "Yes?" he said.
"Look, we're in a truck!"
"I know, it's all bumpy lumpy," he replied groggily.
"But look! Look at all these opened boxes, and they're filled with these creepy dolls! They are plush but hard, with red hair, huge, terrifying eyes, and an evil grin... They're called Tai-Kwon Joes!"
"So? I don't care. Look, it's over. That woman who captured us? That's OanBloat. She's the evilest, brutalist murderer in all of Planet Weird. We're going to die. It's inevitable," Frodo sighed.
"But... they're could be something else in the boxes! I know companies sometimes mess up and put weird stuff in the boxes, maybe they did and whatever we find could help us escape. or maybe we could tie up all the Tai Kwon Joes up and use them to whip the lemongrass out of our attackers. I don't know. But I just don't think we should give up."
"Maybe you're right. A lot of these foaminess are quite stupid, and they could have left something behind."
Thus, we began to dig through the boxes. Eventually, Frodo found a small, empty snaffle bottle that was filled with what appeared to be hand cream. On the side, though, was a patch of buttons, each with a number on them. Frodo showed it to me.
"I know what it is!" I exclaimed. "I saw it once in a private documentary! But, how could it be? They're so rare... It's so unlikely that we've found one. Anyways, it's a time machine! Oh how wonderful! This is perfect! We can hide in the folds of time, that's the only way for you to be safe!"
"You're right... But don't they have time machines too?"
"Yeah, but the thing about time is that it spans so far back and around the whole world, so that it is very, very hard to find someone who is lost in it. Unless, of course, they can track time travelers, but that of course, would be absurd."
Then, we pressed the button to a special date, and were taken back into time.
The Time Machine:
Frodo and I just recently ventured out on a quest to the Fiji Islands to collect some of their fabulous water.
We travelled there in a large vessel known as the Grandeur of Laureth Sulfate. We docked upon the shores. Frodo and I excited onto the beach. We were clad in leather boots, with thick, rucksack-like garments donned upon our torsos and legs, with a large, frou frou, feathered hat upon our heads. In my hand, I clutched a long, deadly sword, crafted with the finest, strongest iron; it was light, but could maim with the power of an axe.
Many people crowded the sandy terrain, most of them looking frightened; the adults hid their children and held them tight.
"EN GAURD!!!" I bellowed. The people cowered and squealed, "Pirates! Pirates!"
"Oh, stop you're blubbering," Frodo groaned. "We don't mean you any harm, just get off your rumps and show us to that mighty fine Fiji water you guys have."
"Yes, sir," one of the locals bowed nervously. "O-our water is certainly the best tasting-much nicer then it is in bottles, yes, yes."
Foamin Frodo with a Fro and I erupted in a chorus of deep, cruel laughter.
"We won't be drinking it, we'll be exploring it!" Frodo answered.
"EN GUARD!" I shouted.
Then the local, who was a scrawny, middle aged man, lead us to the mighty fine water. We clambered on alongside a small, thin stream, through the depths of the forest. Hot sun dappled through the fissures of the tree branches and around the umbrellas of leaves. It's strong heat never faltered, and caused my to perspire greatly.
"Wish we'd worn better clothes," I whispered to Frodo.
"What are you talking about?" He turned to me, confused.
"That's right, I forgot, you lack not only the ability to eat food, but also the ability to feel and detect temperature change. Fascinating, isn't it, the capacity the human mind has to neglect the interning differences that others hold, for the human mind fears uniqueness and is jealous of it."
"I thought we were being pirates, not sciencey philosophical whatevers."
"My dear Foamin Frodo with a Fro, people are capable of liking lots of different things at once, but those likes fluctuate. So at one point, you can like some things more than others, and then in the blink of an eye, you are thrust deeply into a pool of another like,"I said.
"Nevermind," Frodo said, through a surprisingly large amount of foam.
We eventually reached the pool of Fiji water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The pool of water was crisp and clear, like a diamond refracting rays of glistening light back to it's cult-like overlord, the Sun. The sun would eat up these light balls, where its power would grow more abundant, dangerous, and scorchingly majestic.
It made me want to put sunglasses on, and bang my head against an oven door, knowing how minuscule I was in the whole broad scheme of things. I could never be apart of the important cycle of "give light to the Sun overlord, and it will give you light in return".
Foamin Frodo with a Fro and I jumped into the water, with huge, hideous grins on our face. It was warm like a bath, but at the same time, refreshing like an icy drink. I would plunge into its depths, and press my stomach against the sand. I would swim with my arms against my side, and my legs pushing back, as if I was squeezing through a tube of water that enclosed my flesh. Then, I would turn around on my back, and float, underneath the water. The water was like a veil, a glimpse of the void, a vacuum of emptiness that calmed you down, and made you forget all the worries of the world outside. But when your head resurfaced, and the air outside cooled your face, and the soddenness of your hair dripped onto your flesh, you were reminded of the hurts the prospect of living bestowed upon you. Then, though, you would look down into the water, as if it were a window, and see fish swimming and plants breathing with the current of water, and you were reminded of beauty. Then you would see the trees, the birds, flowers, and all things lovely, and you'd know that despite all pain, beauty remained. I glanced around outside of the pool, and saw this gorgeous world.
However, my eyes laid upon something manmade, something that did not belong in such a place of purity. It was a Fiji truck. There were men, all around it, clothed in large, rubber suits. They held tubes that would suck the water out of the pool and into the trucks. Others stood over the trucks, and poured strange things into the water-weird potions of odd colors.
It would only be a matter of time before they found us.
"Frodo," I cried. "Look!" I pointed towards the lines of trucks. Frodo's exuberant eyes grew wide in fear.
"We have to go," I said as I trudged out of the water.
Out of the water, my raged clothes were drenched. I thought the cool water would help protect me from the mid afternoon sun, but instead, my clothes stuck to me. A wise woman once said something along the lines of "Sticky and wet makes mommy upset, sticky and wet is very icky." That wise woman was Marissa Benson, and she was my spirit animal. In this moment, her words seemed more of a fact to me than things like, "The sky appears blue to the average human eye" or "Most major and popular business are extremely corrupt". In this moment, I was so sticky, disgusting, hot, and miserable that you could tell me the sky was actually green because it's made of green apple Laffy Taffy, or that companies work out of the love of there hearts, and are not driven by money, and I would probably believe you.
I was tramping angrily and dolefully through the jungle when Foamin Frodo with a Fro stopped me.
"Hey, wait up," he said. "We can't be leaving, not yet. We haven't even explored!"
"We can't explore, not now. not when the company Fiji is here!" I sighed. He couldn't know. Not now, not ever. His existence would be endangered.
"Why not? It's just some stupid company. They can't stop us from exploring, because we have every right to this island as they do."
"No, we don't. We came here by force."
"And how do you think they got here?"
"You make a good point, but still, we can't linger," I said.
"Why not?"
"Because I said so. Because Fiji is... is... Corrupt!"I was getting nervous now. He was being too persistent. Foamin Frodo with a Fro could never find out the truth about the Fiji water company.
"That's not a decent reason. When you were teaching me those life classes, and you were telling me about the world, you said that all companies are corrupt. i'm going back. I'm going exploring, no matter what you say."
"Come back here you little chummy.... Don't you understand? They're going to kill you, and then they're going to kill me!!" I yelled.
He walked away, and shook his head. He never turned back.
"You need to listen to me!!" I shouted desperately. I then realized I had to follow. If I let him go off on his own, he would be caught by the Fiji workers. He would find out the truth. But, at a cost. They would capture him and lock him away.
I had to tell him myself, no matter how he treated me because of it.
"Frodo, come back, I need to tell you something!" I ran in the direction he came from.
He then came into my view, and turned around. "What? Promise, you're not gonna stop me, alright?"
"I won't, I swear. Let me tell you the truth about the Fiji water company. When you came on this planet, you weren't the only one. A few weeks after you arrived in this world, other Foamites started coming to earth, ones that didn't have Fros. They were looking for you. They were determined to destroy you because you'd forsaken them. I didn't want you to know, because I knew you'd be afraid, and you were already so scared of earth. So, the government sent them far away, to the Island Poland Springs, where scientists ripped out the hippocampus of their brains (the part for long term memory). But they didn't realize that Foamites have different brains. Where humans store memory, Foamites store feelings. So now, the evil Foamites remembered their mission to destroy you, but no longer understood the feelings that caused them to want this. They no longer have empathy or remorse or sadness or anything. They are indues goons with the purpose to destroy you.
"I asked the government to kill them off, or send them away, but they refused. Poland Spring had now gotten a few free laborers, and they weren't ready to get rid of them Not until, however, Fiji bought them away. Fiji's CEO, Morsel MontGummry, promised to help them in their quest to destroy you, if only they worked hard with them for free. Of course, the Foamites agreed." I finished with a sigh.
Foamin Frodo with a Fro stared glumly at a his feet.
"Are you mad?" I asked.
"Yeah, mad at those Foamites. I hate them because they're so cruel and afraid. They were scared of me for my Fro. And even though I lived there for a long time, and even though this world can be a pretty bad place, I'd still rather call it home. I felt safe here, and I can't believe they took that from me. We have to stop them."
"What do you suppose we do?"
"I dunno. Maybe first we can spy on them?"
I thought that was quite risky, but I couldn't say no. I didn't tell Frodo the truth-which he rightfully deserved- and now I owed him. So, we went to spy on them.
We moved closer towards the Fiji workers. We could hear the sounds of their voices and the sounds of their machinery.
We crouched down behind a bush, where we were about 200 yards away from them.
"Well, now we've got to wait," I said.
"Yep.... So, you know what I've been thinking? You humans and your food, you like it right?"
"Sure, but it's not really the time to be talking about it..."
"Yeah you're right. But anyway. What if you know you're going to eat something really good, and you want to savor it. So you realize, if it's something that you're like never going to eat ever again, do you savor it? Do you realize that if you eat it now, and if you're like 20, and you're going to die at 90, then you would go like 70 years without ever eating it again. So wouldn't it be better to wait and eat it?"
"No, I think it would be better to shut up!"
"Ahh, what an interesting conversation I hear," said a deep voice from behind. "I hear your chatter chatter and it would be better to shh shh, am i RIGHT RIGHT??"Then, the voice laughed.
Soon, a short woman with a slim stature came towards them. She foamed at the mouth, but this foam was a little bit reddish, and I immediately thought of blood.
She then took two clothes from her pockets and tied them around our mouths to stifle our screams before I even had the chance to unsheathe my sword.
--------------
I awoke, what I assume to be, a few hours later, in a truck. I was still woozy and dreary eyed. I looked down upon my hands, and they were tied together. I took a knot tying class, and new of all the really fancy knots, but that didn't matter because whoever tied me up literally used the simplest, stupidest knot. Obviously, I untied it. I then managed to untie Foamin Frodo with a Fro's, who groaned in his sleep. "Wake up, come on," I said. He then moaned, and one eye fluttered open. "Yes?" he said.
"Look, we're in a truck!"
"I know, it's all bumpy lumpy," he replied groggily.
"But look! Look at all these opened boxes, and they're filled with these creepy dolls! They are plush but hard, with red hair, huge, terrifying eyes, and an evil grin... They're called Tai-Kwon Joes!"
"So? I don't care. Look, it's over. That woman who captured us? That's OanBloat. She's the evilest, brutalist murderer in all of Planet Weird. We're going to die. It's inevitable," Frodo sighed.
"But... they're could be something else in the boxes! I know companies sometimes mess up and put weird stuff in the boxes, maybe they did and whatever we find could help us escape. or maybe we could tie up all the Tai Kwon Joes up and use them to whip the lemongrass out of our attackers. I don't know. But I just don't think we should give up."
"Maybe you're right. A lot of these foaminess are quite stupid, and they could have left something behind."
Thus, we began to dig through the boxes. Eventually, Frodo found a small, empty snaffle bottle that was filled with what appeared to be hand cream. On the side, though, was a patch of buttons, each with a number on them. Frodo showed it to me.
"I know what it is!" I exclaimed. "I saw it once in a private documentary! But, how could it be? They're so rare... It's so unlikely that we've found one. Anyways, it's a time machine! Oh how wonderful! This is perfect! We can hide in the folds of time, that's the only way for you to be safe!"
"You're right... But don't they have time machines too?"
"Yeah, but the thing about time is that it spans so far back and around the whole world, so that it is very, very hard to find someone who is lost in it. Unless, of course, they can track time travelers, but that of course, would be absurd."
Then, we pressed the button to a special date, and were taken back into time.
Foamin Frodo with a Fro, the spooky story part 2
Alas, our precious hero Foamin Frodo with a Fro had been reduced to the as good as useless molecular structure of a Popcorn kernel.
The characters around him laughed. Frodo blinked, and they began to become blurred. He blinked again, and they were obscured from his vision. He blinked once more, before his eyes faded into the oblivion.
He tried to yell for hep, but no words escaped the crevices of his popcorn kernel. He was a popcorn. Forever.
The End.
The characters around him laughed. Frodo blinked, and they began to become blurred. He blinked again, and they were obscured from his vision. He blinked once more, before his eyes faded into the oblivion.
He tried to yell for hep, but no words escaped the crevices of his popcorn kernel. He was a popcorn. Forever.
The End.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Foamin Frodo with a Fro, the spooky story
It was a dark and stormy night when our hero, Foamin Frodo with a Fro, the greatest, most wonderful specimen to have ever walked upon this earth, checked into the Cheesenut Valley Hotel room. Despite being rumored to be haunted, for the hotel manager of thirty years ago was found lying dead in one of the hotel rooms, having suffocated from a shower cap wrapped around his head and dripping with a variety of hotel soaps and shampoos, the Cheesenut Valley Hotel was still a popular inn at Sharkwallow, Maine.
Frodo was drenched in rainwater, this rain, though, was warm like dripping wax falling from the stars above. He turned the brass knob, and entered the lobby of the hotel. A bell rang when he entered, but not of the comforting sort; it was a high pitched ring that echoed throughout the vast hall. The room itself was cold and drafty, despite the inconvienetly warm weather outside.
Frodo approached the blonde woman at the front desk, who smiled and said in a creepy, monotone voice, "Hello, FoaminFrodo with a Fro, we have been waiting for you, dear. Are you looking for a room?"
He was taken aback, panicking at the fact that this stranger knew his name. "Y-yes," Frodo trembled.
"Alright, all of our rooms are full, except for room 13B. Would you like to stay there?"
Frodo almost leaped out of his trousers; it took all the strength he could muster not to shriek. Room 13B is where the hotel manager of thirty years ago was killed. SPOOKY SPOOKY!!!!!
But Frodo needed somewhere to sleep; he could not sleep in a tree at Sharkwallow Park, for the weather outside was frightful.
"Yes, of course," he gulped.
She handed him a roll of Scotts toilet paper, a bottle of Tear Free shampoo, and a small bar of soap with Obama's face carved in it. "Here you go, you might need these, as we have no maids or cleaning services." She grinned, her eyes flashing like a psychopath flying on a broomstick, and then she added in a whisper, "You might be needing this." She handed him a spork with a plastic knife as the handle. On it, it read, "What's you handle?"
"What about a room key?"
"Oh, we've long since used room keys here!" she giggled.
Foamin Frodo with a Fro nearly fainted.
-------------------------------------------------------
Frodo knew to take the stairs, not the elevator, as he didn't want lightning to strike and send him off to a parallel universe because that would be some twilight zone nonsense. He reached the thirteenth floor and then stopped, as he was out of breath. He went to room B and opened the door. Inside, he could tell that this was some serious twilight zone nonsense.
The room was decorated with cobwebs, the floor was wooden and creaked with every step, the Disney Princess wallpaper was old and yellowing, the ceiling was covered with specks of mold. There wasn't even a bathroom, just a toilet (it didn't flush though, it was like a port-a-potty) next to the bed and a bath across the room. The bed was unmade and covered in a variety of stains.
"How spooky," he remarked.
He then heard a vicious chewing noise, like someone was feriousouly munching on their gum. It sounded like it was coming from the ceiling he glanced up, when he then heard the sound of something dripping from the wall.
He turned his head and saw that there was something red oozing up the walls and onto the ceiling.
"Oh very funny! You think I don't know that this is jam? It's obviously not blood, just some Bonne Maman Jam!" He rushed over and grabbed a handful. "Look, it's.... wine?"
Just then, a huge thunderclap rang outside, the whole building shaking. He then heard a man bellow scream, and a woman laughed, her voice sounding like the woman from the front desk.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" the man cried. "I sh-should have never stolen your wine! Please, please!"
"Sorry won't get me any more wine!"
There was a loud THUD! BANG! CRASH! BOOM!
How SPOOKY!
Then, a weeping clown arose from the floorboard, doing the macarina. Frodo gasped.
The dancing clown moved closer and closer to Frodo, pushing him against the wall.
Then, the British Doctor Poo guy came in and said, "IT FEEDS ON FAITH NOT FEAR!"
And Frodo was like: ????????
Then the window broke open, and Frodo began to sob. Why me? I'm too young to die!"
Frodo winced but didn't die; he pulled his shaking hands from his eyes, blinked a bit, until Professor RJ Lupin came into view. He was wearing a Miley Cyrus-ish outfit and shaking his bottom chanting,
"R-I-D-I-K-U-LU-S RIDDIKULUS BABY! AYE AYE AYE!" In Latin.
The clown then exploded into a thousand Jelly Bellies, and Lupin jumped out the window, singing the iCarly theme song in Latin.
Then, a trapdoor in the ceiling opened up, and Frodo, who was curled up in the corner, cried even harder. Hannah Montana then slid down on a vine and said, "Hellloooo New York!"
A cow, from somewhere, I do not know, mooed.
Hannah's eyes turned red and popped out of her head, "DADDY WHERE ARE WE? THIS IS NOT NEW YORK! DADDY I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR APPENDIX AGAIN IF YOU DO NOT BRING ME TO NEW YORK!"
Then Billy Ray Cyrus slid down a vine, but instead of a beard, he had elephant trunks growing out of his face.
"NOT NEW YORK! NOT NEW YORK!" she shrieked.
Then, the hotel door flew open. It's just a gust of wind, it's just a gust of wind...
But it WASN'T wind. It was the characters from Dog With A blog and they all came in and formed a circle around Frodo, the furry one repeating, "I update my blog, but you forgot to update yours! You are evil! Evil!! Worse than Cruella Deville and Ursala combined! Worse than a twinkle, worse than Jutsin Bieber's shower songs! You are worse than my tv show, and you will always be!"
Frodo cried so hard that the tears became acid and his cheeks burnt like fire burning wood.
But Hannah and the Dog with a Blog characters melted into dust, but Foamin Frodo with a Fro knew that this wasn't the end, that there was a worser fate in store.
But nothing came. Not until, two hours after the upside down wine, when Frodo's electric watch struck midnight.
Frodo had finally succumbed to the beauty of sleep, when the Disney Princesses on the wall peeled off and became walking stickers of doom. They slipped downstairs, to the kitchens, where they brought back up a bag of microwave popcorn.
The flesh on the disney princess' face faded off, and they were left with skeletons in gowns that would chomp their teeth in unison. The Dog with a Blog characters came back, brushing their teeth in unison. Hannah Montana arose, singing "Who says? Who says this aint New York?" while clutching her glowing red eyeballs in her hands. Lupin came back, smacking his fists on the ground and shouting "why?????" And the clown came back, with his friends, and they all did 360's on their bike in unison. A zombie covered in wine twerked, and einstein complained about how stupid Frodo was.
All of this, woke Frodo up, but he was soon turned into a popcorn kernel.
TO BE CONTINUED
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Foam Cake in a Mug Recipe
Hey there!
It's Huburtus, one of the bakers at the up-and-coming Foamalicious Bake shop, which will be located in Times Square, NYC- if you are interested in visiting!
Foamalicious Bake Shop is a small bake shop founded by Oprah(follow her on instagram: oprahcakes) , her husband Dr. Phil, her sons and daughters: Will Ferrel, Josh Hutcherson, John Green, Hank Green, Sexy Left Ventricle Sugar Molecule, Hilary Clinton, Baylee, and Sydney, and was created in memorial of her dead daughter Honeybooboo. Our shop bakes various desserts and breads and carbalicious breakfast foods! We use all natural, organic ingredients to create DELICIOUS baked goods made with Foamin Frodo with a Fro's foam.
Now, if you remember correctly, eating a Foamite's Foam can cause you to get a temporary case of Foamitus. This is because of high levels of KammaSchmang, that increase the contagiousness of Frodo's foam.
By increasing the acidity of the foam, the KammaSchmang disappeared. Now this processed foam is delcious, and also extremely healthy! It gives you a nice protein and fiber blast!
One of our recipes is the Foam Cake in a Mug recipe. It's ABSOLUTELY TASTE-FABULOUS!!
Here's what you'll need:
1 1/2 Cup Foam (you can order this off of amazon, or, when our company launches, off of our website)
2 Tablespoons chocolate sauce
4 tablespoons of chicken liver
1 cup flour
2 cups canola oil
10 strands of human hair
1 pound rat flesh
2 tablespoons chocolate powder
1 tablespoon sugar
Blend these all together in a mug, and then microwave on high for 2 minutes!
It tastes SO GOOD!
It has 889 calories, 12 grams fat, 13 grams sugar, 12345 mg of sodium, 14 grams carbs and 23 grams fiber. Yeah, its tasty and good for the bod.
It's Huburtus, one of the bakers at the up-and-coming Foamalicious Bake shop, which will be located in Times Square, NYC- if you are interested in visiting!
Foamalicious Bake Shop is a small bake shop founded by Oprah(follow her on instagram: oprahcakes) , her husband Dr. Phil, her sons and daughters: Will Ferrel, Josh Hutcherson, John Green, Hank Green, Sexy Left Ventricle Sugar Molecule, Hilary Clinton, Baylee, and Sydney, and was created in memorial of her dead daughter Honeybooboo. Our shop bakes various desserts and breads and carbalicious breakfast foods! We use all natural, organic ingredients to create DELICIOUS baked goods made with Foamin Frodo with a Fro's foam.
Now, if you remember correctly, eating a Foamite's Foam can cause you to get a temporary case of Foamitus. This is because of high levels of KammaSchmang, that increase the contagiousness of Frodo's foam.
By increasing the acidity of the foam, the KammaSchmang disappeared. Now this processed foam is delcious, and also extremely healthy! It gives you a nice protein and fiber blast!
One of our recipes is the Foam Cake in a Mug recipe. It's ABSOLUTELY TASTE-FABULOUS!!
Here's what you'll need:
1 1/2 Cup Foam (you can order this off of amazon, or, when our company launches, off of our website)
2 Tablespoons chocolate sauce
4 tablespoons of chicken liver
1 cup flour
2 cups canola oil
10 strands of human hair
1 pound rat flesh
2 tablespoons chocolate powder
1 tablespoon sugar
Blend these all together in a mug, and then microwave on high for 2 minutes!
It tastes SO GOOD!
It has 889 calories, 12 grams fat, 13 grams sugar, 12345 mg of sodium, 14 grams carbs and 23 grams fiber. Yeah, its tasty and good for the bod.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
TRAGIC LOVE STORY
Okay, I know this blog is about Foamin Frodo with a Fro, but I want to tell y'all a bit about myself.
To start out, I am going to write about my tragic love story.
A kindergartener walks on the bus.
She sits down.
In the back.
Of the bus.
Usually, the back is crowded with big, mean fifth graders. They are ten. They are powerful.
Today, however, their is a young boy back there. He taps her shoulder. She glances in his eyes; they were blank (because I forgot the color of them) and they are filled with fear.
He raises his little arm. He points to the ceiling.
And on the ceiling, there is a very bad word written there! Someone wrote "You are Stupid". They are very mean. They probably went to jail because they were so bad.
The little girl and the little boy share a mutual fear for this big, mean crimminal. They talk about it. They become friends.
Little did she know, he would become the greatest love of her life, but also her greatest burden.
The girl finds out that the boy is in first grade. She fell in love with an older boy.
One day, they said they were going to get married. They were going to live in a house in New York City, right next to the American Girl Store. They were going to have lots of dogs. The little girl liked dogs.
The boy, however, liked beans. He didn't want to marry the girl.
He wanted to marry a bean.
Bean Boy.
They stay friends for the rest of the year.
One day, Bean Boy tells the little girl that he is very smart and they are moving him up to college.
"But I am smarter than you," the girl says.
"I know, but they only want really smart kids," Bean boy said. "They want me."
The little girl was sad. Bean Boy was going to leave her. That wasn't fair. She was going to use his money to buy lots of dogs, and then write books and take over the world.
Many years later, the little girl is in middle school. All the other girls yap on about their lame boyfriends. They are lame because they are not Bean Boy. Bean Boy is perfect.
She remembers Bean Boy, and tries to find him. She quits school, impersonates an adult, and then uses all of her money to invest in stocks.
She ends up getting lots of money.
She uses that money to track down Bean Boy, even though she forgot his name.
She stalks the records of everyone in America, until she finds Bean Boy.
Eventually, they meet up.
For the next few years, they travel the country, planting beans in everyone's yards. They also gave people dogs. And American Girl dolls.
Eventually, they kiss :o
Then they fall in love.
But then Bean Boy thinks the girl is a bean, and he tries to eat her arm. She then suffocates him with a bean vine.
She doesn't feel bad though. She thought it was fun!!!! So then, she puts his blood on a dinosaur shaped chicken nugget, and it turns into a dinosaur! She dresses up like a pirate, rides the dinosaur around, and suffocates people with bean vines.
She becomes known as The Bean Bandit (because she steals lots of beans)
THE END!
What do you think?? It was loosely based off of my life!
To start out, I am going to write about my tragic love story.
A kindergartener walks on the bus.
She sits down.
In the back.
Of the bus.
Usually, the back is crowded with big, mean fifth graders. They are ten. They are powerful.
Today, however, their is a young boy back there. He taps her shoulder. She glances in his eyes; they were blank (because I forgot the color of them) and they are filled with fear.
He raises his little arm. He points to the ceiling.
And on the ceiling, there is a very bad word written there! Someone wrote "You are Stupid". They are very mean. They probably went to jail because they were so bad.
The little girl and the little boy share a mutual fear for this big, mean crimminal. They talk about it. They become friends.
Little did she know, he would become the greatest love of her life, but also her greatest burden.
The girl finds out that the boy is in first grade. She fell in love with an older boy.
One day, they said they were going to get married. They were going to live in a house in New York City, right next to the American Girl Store. They were going to have lots of dogs. The little girl liked dogs.
The boy, however, liked beans. He didn't want to marry the girl.
He wanted to marry a bean.
Bean Boy.
They stay friends for the rest of the year.
One day, Bean Boy tells the little girl that he is very smart and they are moving him up to college.
"But I am smarter than you," the girl says.
"I know, but they only want really smart kids," Bean boy said. "They want me."
The little girl was sad. Bean Boy was going to leave her. That wasn't fair. She was going to use his money to buy lots of dogs, and then write books and take over the world.
Many years later, the little girl is in middle school. All the other girls yap on about their lame boyfriends. They are lame because they are not Bean Boy. Bean Boy is perfect.
She remembers Bean Boy, and tries to find him. She quits school, impersonates an adult, and then uses all of her money to invest in stocks.
She ends up getting lots of money.
She uses that money to track down Bean Boy, even though she forgot his name.
She stalks the records of everyone in America, until she finds Bean Boy.
Eventually, they meet up.
For the next few years, they travel the country, planting beans in everyone's yards. They also gave people dogs. And American Girl dolls.
Eventually, they kiss :o
Then they fall in love.
But then Bean Boy thinks the girl is a bean, and he tries to eat her arm. She then suffocates him with a bean vine.
She doesn't feel bad though. She thought it was fun!!!! So then, she puts his blood on a dinosaur shaped chicken nugget, and it turns into a dinosaur! She dresses up like a pirate, rides the dinosaur around, and suffocates people with bean vines.
She becomes known as The Bean Bandit (because she steals lots of beans)
THE END!
What do you think?? It was loosely based off of my life!
Infromenza
AGH!!! SILLY LEMONGRASS BELLYBUTTON TEARS!
OH MY GOODNESS
OH MY GOODNESS!
WITH MY OBSESSIONS WITH OPRAH, AND AMERICAN GIRL, AND TURNING EVERYTHING INTO METAPHORS ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH, AND EATING DANDELIONS, AND JUST EVERYTHING
I FORGOT TO POST
But, like always, I have a [somewhat] decent excuse.
There hasn't been much FFWAF activity.
This is due to the fact that FFWAF is SERIOUSLY ILL.
He has the Infromenza disease.
What is the Infromenza disease, you may ask??
Well, it is a strange disorder in which a Foamite's fro sinks down so the fro levels become very low.
This can cause Froache's and pain everywhere. It can cause the ill person to go insane. But worst of all, it will make their fro levels decline dramatically.
Now, Infromenza has many different stages: Stage Tub, Stage Glub, and Stage Wub. Foamin frodo with a Fro currently has stage Glub, which is in the middle. He faces aches and pains, and can only speak in metaphors/similes/haikus.
But, he is getting better.
Long ago, on Planet Weird, if a foamite got Infromenza, their sort of fro would sink very low. Eventually, after pains, insanity, etc, they would eventually die from lack of foam.
BUT NOW.... TECHNOLOGY!!!
TECHNOLOGY!
TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!
(I sound like my math teacher...)
Scientists can HELP CURE INFROMENZA!
Since Infromenza occurs when a molecule of meepweepadeep mutates into a skreepydeepy, which then targets the veins and arteries, filling it with a green discharge that causes the arteries to dissolve, a drug called SLOOPADOOP was created. SLOOPADOOP helps stop the skreepydeepy, and overtime, helps the arteries reform.
However, this is a process like growing bones.
It takes a long time, and can be quite painful.
Foamin Frodo with a Fro will be in the Hospital in Traumatized Russia for the next 2 months.
If you want to send him gifts, he likes panties, pictures of cannibals, and chocolate peperoni.
Send it to our PO box: FFWAF SunshineDaisyLove Ln, Traumatized Russia, Russia.
OH MY GOODNESS
OH MY GOODNESS!
WITH MY OBSESSIONS WITH OPRAH, AND AMERICAN GIRL, AND TURNING EVERYTHING INTO METAPHORS ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH, AND EATING DANDELIONS, AND JUST EVERYTHING
I FORGOT TO POST
But, like always, I have a [somewhat] decent excuse.
There hasn't been much FFWAF activity.
This is due to the fact that FFWAF is SERIOUSLY ILL.
He has the Infromenza disease.
What is the Infromenza disease, you may ask??
Well, it is a strange disorder in which a Foamite's fro sinks down so the fro levels become very low.
This can cause Froache's and pain everywhere. It can cause the ill person to go insane. But worst of all, it will make their fro levels decline dramatically.
Now, Infromenza has many different stages: Stage Tub, Stage Glub, and Stage Wub. Foamin frodo with a Fro currently has stage Glub, which is in the middle. He faces aches and pains, and can only speak in metaphors/similes/haikus.
But, he is getting better.
Long ago, on Planet Weird, if a foamite got Infromenza, their sort of fro would sink very low. Eventually, after pains, insanity, etc, they would eventually die from lack of foam.
BUT NOW.... TECHNOLOGY!!!
TECHNOLOGY!
TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!
(I sound like my math teacher...)
Scientists can HELP CURE INFROMENZA!
Since Infromenza occurs when a molecule of meepweepadeep mutates into a skreepydeepy, which then targets the veins and arteries, filling it with a green discharge that causes the arteries to dissolve, a drug called SLOOPADOOP was created. SLOOPADOOP helps stop the skreepydeepy, and overtime, helps the arteries reform.
However, this is a process like growing bones.
It takes a long time, and can be quite painful.
Foamin Frodo with a Fro will be in the Hospital in Traumatized Russia for the next 2 months.
If you want to send him gifts, he likes panties, pictures of cannibals, and chocolate peperoni.
Send it to our PO box: FFWAF SunshineDaisyLove Ln, Traumatized Russia, Russia.
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